Funny Quote of the Day

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There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

I think instead of “LOL”….Im gonna go with “SALTS” (Smiled a little then stopped).
Its more truthful!!

The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. But I think I’ll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

Epic Statuses

When you see me standing alone in the corner at the club, it doesn’t mean I can’t dance. It’s hard to dance while concealing a pistol in my pants.

This hot woman just asked me if I prefer legs or breast. I told her that I’m more into those with a tight ass. Apparently this is not an acceptible answer at KFC!

Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside.
Funny Epic status
Being able to dislike Somones Comment is AWESOME!
would you like to find out how to get thousands of subscribers ? find out here!

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*** Every brother doesn’t like his sister to chat with a guy at late night…But

Every brother wants to talk to someone’s Sister at night…!!! ***

Every girl deserves ONE GUY who looks at her every day like it’s the first time he saw her. And Im that ONE GUY🙂

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.

Don’t say: “Why, God?” when He takes something from your life, if you never say: “Thank God” when He gives everything in your life.
 Lazy rule. As soon as I get under the blanket covers, all of today’s responsibilities, become tomorrow’s problem.
The funny thing about this sentence is that by the time you realize it says absolutely nothing, it will be too late to stop reading.
Seeing the first question on a test and thinking, “Yup…I’m screwed.”
Click Like if you’ve been there
I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.
I’d never judge a person based on their race, religion, age, or sexual preference, but I will verbally rip a bitch to pieces for wearing ugly shoes. – Women
Here’s the third teaser from our ‘Live At Brixton Academy’ DVD / Blu-Ray. You can now pre-order the DVD / Blu-Ray from the Chase & Status store –  The first 200 pre-orders come with an exclusive, limited edition signed print.
i just found what was number one in the charts when i was born! how cool !
We never really learn from the first mistake or the second or third. It only hit us when we’re given the last chance.
Dear future husband,
when you propose to me please don’t put the ring in my food, because I can guarantee you…
I will eat it.

This is not Facebook, I’ll tell you what book! Slutbook? They need to call this F*ckbook. Picture lookin good, but in person. . . . Yuckbook. Hellbook, Tellbook, bitches can’t Spellbook. Hate behind your back, but in person wish you Wellbook. Glitchbook, Snitchbook, fake family Listbook. Posting on her page, this is trying to steal your Bitchbook. Rudebook, Feudbook, tell your every Movebook. Don’t even need a t.v. this shit is Newsbook.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater, Give her sperm she will make a baby, give her a house she will give you a home, give her groceries she will give you a meal, give her a smile she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given.So if …. you give her any crap, ……be ready to receive a ton of shit!
Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.
 

Fact: Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”
@+[190068324423437:0] Wanna see a magic trick?
1. Copy the code above.
2. Paste it in comment area below.
3. Remove ONLY the + sign.
4. Press ENTER Remember to share!!!!!!!!

250 Funny Facebook Statuses

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Funny Facebook status updates and LMS ideas that will bring awesome comments and a lot of likes on your every status from your friends following you on Facebook. These Facebook status ideas updates are best for Timeline covers and your FB profile as well.

Funny Facebook status

Witty Facebook status updates:

  1. I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
  2. Stupid were do you take a dump???????????
  3. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Selena, happy birthday to you.
  4. There’s nothing more satisfying than making a funny nickname for a friend and having it really stick.
  5. Random Fact About Me…I’m crazy. I’m funny. I’m cute. I’m brave. I’m cheerful. I’m annoying. I’m just me & I like it like that!
  6. Sometimes it’s a really tough call: block the extremely annoying person’s status updates, or keep them around, because, let’s face it: their awful personal life is entertaining.
  7. Both sides of the border should be on full patrol with these clowns coming in the USA .
  8. A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM
  9. The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington
  10. What a giddily goop syrupy stupid goodly pile of #$%$ soup that only a thirteen year old would care about. It’s a good thing real newspapers hardly exist now to keep from wasting paper on this crap.
  11. What does a Miami Heat fan do when his team wins the NBA Finals? He turns off the video game system.
  12. I thought the Family Guys American Dad were gonna be on tonight, but instead I turned on the TV and saw Justin Bieber singing/moaning like a little girl, and things turned from bad to worse when I couldn’t find the stupid remote to turn the TV off…I was on my last breath, and then the voice of master Yoda told me to use the force of my finger to push the power button on the TV, I survived another day.
  13. Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..
  14. Just remember… it dopiest matter how long you have known each other.. all that matters is that he has kept you smiling from day one
  15. Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.
  16. I play the Play station and love it but I play the original Nintendo more.
  17. I would rather bring a tent for a Facebook sleep, it doesn’t cost me as per night rate…and it’s very lightweight.
  18. Facebook is a crazy house People poke each other all day have an imaginary pet farm and talk to walls
  19. Penguins mate once and stay together for life. All those failed relationships you had? Penguins are kicking your butt.
  20. I love the intelligence of the comments here! There must be 12 year old posting. Where would you put one of these where a bear would come along? I’m thinking these are geared towards people in a city. And, it’s more secure than a tent. Someone with a knife could just rip open a tent.
  21. Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!
  22. Video game history, just like the 3 years of my life I wasted playing WoW.
  23. Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey! Face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
  24. Definition of human being: a creature that cuts trees makes paper & write “SAVE TREES” on the same paper.
  25. I don’t know what amazes me more, Kevin Hart being that short, or Selena Gomez being that old.
  26. Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
  27. Thinks if Peter Piper picked peppers and Jack and Jill ran up the hill and Mary took her lamb to school, wasn’t Humpty Dumpty lazy just sitting on a wall?
  28. Remember where you have been and where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.—Nikita Woolf.
  29. It looks like these have wire and hard doors. The spelling in the posts here is also very bad.
  30. Fools are better than lazy. At least you can fold ‘them.
  31. When we are bored we get on Facebook, then we get bored on Facebook so we get off then 15 min later back on. its an endless cycle..
  32. First Day of School: 33243450 pencils and 234658770 pens. Middle of March: 1 pencil you found on the ground in science.
  33. I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I’ve stalked you on the internet.
  34. again yahoo screws the pooch…the first RPG ever made was for the Atari 2600 and was called Adventure released in 1978…it was lame but fun when i was a kid and had it not been for that game I would have never liked games like haunted house, interstellar, mega man, final fantasy, act stick to what you know yahoo like kissing the nil or the nap’s arise.
  35. Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Grouch Marx
  36. This is Romney’s economic and housing plan for the poor in this country, no thanks, Obama 2012.
  37. Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
  38. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forgets the fruit.
  39. A best friend is someone who knows exactly what you are thinking about just by taking one quick glance at you.
  40. Of course she is embarrassed as when you have a ‘TWINK’ for a boy/girl friend what else could you expect. And her outfit looks like something a 10 year old would wear, if forced to by her parents. Her GREY friend must have picked it out.
  41. Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.
  42. No one makes a lock without a key. That’s why God won’t give you problems without solutions.
  43. Reasons why I’m still single: ✔ can’t date the internet. ✔ can’t date my favorite celebrity. ✔ can’t date twitter. ✔ can’t date me.
  44. I was completely expecting that they would pull a prank on her, or push her face in the cake. I guess that celebrating with a large group of people and being “embarrassed” by it is considered news. Let’s not forget that the author misspelled the word, “embarrassing” by leaving out 1 “R.”
  45. It’s nice to see them both together and congratulations to her many happy returns of the day dear……….🙂
  46. LIKE if you hate it when someone comes in your room and leaves the door open.
  47. Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
  48. That annoying moment when you’re about to sneeze but then someone says ‘bless you’ & it goes away, but you still have the tingly feeling.
  49. Hey people, why give fuzz to all those would be problem? The solution is simple! Install one of those cute houses within the neighborhood’s garden, so when you need to poop, all you have to do is to knock at your nearest neighbor’s door. Just hope that they would not knock you out of the neighborhood as well.
  50. Life isn’t hard. People with their needless complications and unnecessary lies make it that way.
  51. I remembered I used to sneak in on my dad’s PC back then. And I found 5-inch diskettes (I love the smell of those) of PC-man, crossfire, nibbles, and that banana-throwing gorilla. Later years, I found that Wittgenstein 3D. It was great but I can’t stand playing those for 20mins.
  52. My father said there are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.
  53. Silly phone, that wasn’t a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.
  54. 7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic; let your friend light the fuse. ;P Happy 4th of July!!
  55. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.
  56. Sometimes I like to congratulate someone for no reason, just to watch the confused panic in their eyes.
  57. Well I can’t bring fat girlfriends over for this one
  58. That’s not a house. Really stupid, it’s not even a refrigerator box.
  59. For a Kid, the “Walk of Shame” is when you have to put something back in a store after your mom says “No”.
  60. I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday and Friday is so close to Monday.
  61. I have a box in my basement that would beat that record. And if you can fit in it, I could ship you anywhere in the US for 15$.
  62. I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate … but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
  63. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbee, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.” – Erma BO beck.
  64. Hold me tight and close because baby I can slip away fast!
  65. That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
  66. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
  67. Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~ Dalai Lama
  68. Hey that’s great – Just sure keeps up with the times, Standing there right on stage in that pic next to his girly on her 20th blowing out the candles. That shows you’re really number one with your girly when you’re right there right next to her at a precise moment like that. Nobody else inching in line just a little ahead of you’d always liked Justin, Keeps right up in with the soulful image evolution. Shows yak just how old I am I didn’t know they had such powerful tanning salons these days….
  69. My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
  70. Treat men like underwear. Throw out the old and ratty but keep the ones that make you feel sexy and pretty
  71. If Obama has his way this is what the all of the middle class will be living in.
  72. Wow, it’s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there Ishtar a glare on my screen.
  73. Everyone has that one friend who insists on messaging you every time they see you on Facebook.
  74. The Big Mac dopiest look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics.
  75. Hey, I just met you, and girl you look crazy, what brands your make up, Creole maybe?
  76. I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste🙂
  77. There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.” – President Bill Clinton.
  78. The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.
  79. Just read a really good book on how to improve our memory but I forgot the title.
  80. Anyone ever remembers that one time, before Facebook and Twitter, when we all went outside and did stuff?
  81. The end of the world just started! Rock yourself in the corner 2 some Bieber.
  82. I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

Sources: Facebook

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